things you don't want to see on a monday morning

March 18, 2019 by Vivian Shaw

by the power of grayskull

a magic space viking

hey, this thing is kinda cool

also stark you can’t make the godless commie joke anymore you know that right

barnes

i can’t believe i have to say this again

put down the legendary weapon

cause you know there’s like

a god right there

kind of settles the issue once and for all in my personal opinion

also i’m not sure i can put it down it’s kind of doing weird shit to my arm

I RETURNED FROM ASGARD FOR THIS?

there there

it’ll be okay, they’re starting auditions for shakespeare in the park next week

you’ll have a fantastic time

I MUST RESCUE THE DIRTBAG COMPANION OF CAPTAIN ROGERS FROM MJOLNIR BEFORE HIS ARM MELTS. GREAT IS ITS POWER, AND HEAVILY THE RESPONSIBILITY FOR WIELDING IT LIES UPON THE ODINSON.

very philosophical of you, point break. also i don’t wanna clean up the mess.

because of course she can

March 18, 2019 by Vivian Shaw

ok so

the fridge magnets and inappropriate magnetic poetry on the arm was one thing but now stark’s just gone too far

why, what did he do this time

hung one of those ‘elderly people’ warning road signs on the door

we don’t have to put up with that sort of thing

people these days have no respect

GREETINGS, MY FRIENDS! I HAVE RETURNED!

hi, thor, welcome back

sup magic space viking, what took you

I BROKE MY JOURNEY FROM ASGARD ONLY ONCE, FOR IT IS THE SEASON OF THE SPICED-PUMPKIN LATTÉ, WHICH AMONG THE NINE REALMS IS FOUND NOWHERE BUT ON YOUR PLANET.

did

did you just actually

show up fifteen minutes late with starbucks without even a hint of irony

FIFTEEN MINUTES LATE FOR WHAT?

–Hey, Thor. Think you might have dropped something.

…

woah nat i didn’t know you could wield that thing

that’s kind of hot

ok ok ok people what is going on here, hi thor, welcome back

i thought we agreed on the no lightning indoors rule also that better be a goddamn caramel macchiato with my name on it or we’re gonna have words

agent romanoff, kindly put the improbable magic hammer down and quit breaking everybody’s brain

welp

i’ve officially seen all the crazy shit i’m capable of seeing for one day, i’m out

you and me both, bucky

let’s go watch a movie or something, i’m gonna put a sign on the door under “elderly people” that says “get off my lawn, this means you”

young whippersnappers with their magic flying hammers and i don’t know what all

i might keep the magnetic poetry though, some of that was funny as hell

upstaged by superannuated weapons technology

March 12, 2019 by Vivian Shaw

i’m just saying

the stark-trolling campaign would be twice as efficient with two people leaving passive-aggressive notes for him in cyrillic cursive

instead of one person

that’s all

you’re not even listening to me are you

Nope.

aaaand that would be why you’re not even listening to me

hey, clint, looking…remarkably buff there

i’m impressed

yeah what is that like crossfit or something?

do u even lift

that’s classified, barnes

oh hey check it out i talk in strikethrough, like an arrow shot or something

thematic consistency is super cool

hey, nat, long time no see

Hey, Agent Barton. Where the hell have you been?

that’s also classified but it involved some absolutely sweet jumping off of rooftops and badassing around with implausible trick shots, you would have had a great time

Typical, you’re off on vacation while practically everyone I know is trying to kill me. Which, okay, it’s not like that’s a super rare occurrence.

well you killed them back, obviously

except that guy

He’s kind of a special case. C'mon, you can buy me a latte and I’ll fill you in on all the ridiculous shit that’s been happening since the last time I saw you.

don’t mind if i do

–Spoiler warning for apparent major character death, though.

–shpff we’re marvel, we never stay dead for all that long

–Touché.

steve

did we just get upstaged by a dude whose claim to fame is literally that he uses a weapon that went obsolete as soon as guns were invented in what, like the fourteenth century

is that what just happened

i really really wish stark was here right now

because there is a gun show joke just begging to be made and i can’t possibly do it justice

oh my god there absolutely is

to infinity and beyond

March 12, 2019 by Vivian Shaw

thank you for flying stark industries, we ask that you please deactivate all zappy wrist-mounted braceletaser devices at this time

Light it up, Mr. Stark.

how come he never takes us on rides

that is blatant favoritism right there i mean come on

we weigh a lot more than natasha does, buck

pfff his rocket boots run on pure ego, there’s no way he can’t fly the whole team to frigging venus if he wanted to

it’s a sustainable resource, barnes

i’m all about clean energy

please join me in welcoming agent romanoff

March 12, 2019 by Vivian Shaw

Hi guys.

hi nat

sup

agent romanoff

Which one of you finished the leftover sesame noodles?

bucky

totally bucky

in conclusion, bucky

hey, ownership of leftover sesame noodles is theft

also stark how come you never make commie jokes about natasha, she’s the only actual russian in the vicinity

because unlike you, red scare, agent romanoff is capable of reducing me to abject quivering terror with a glance

that’s why

Aww, Mister Stark, you say the sweetest things.

appropriate use of the freedom frisbee

March 12, 2019 by Vivian Shaw

hmmmm

hey imperialist scum

whatcha doing

oh hey bedhead october

nothing much, just conducting a long-awaited structural analysis of rogers’ big back-mounted metal target

you know, this thing absolutely should not work

at all

i know right

it’s like he tells it where to go with his brain or something

“screw you, physics, it is going to look totally badass when i bounce it off the heads of five bad guys in a row and then casually catch it one-handed without looking”

at least thor has the excuse that he’s a magic space viking

–STAAAARK

i think he’s figured out it’s missing

how’d you get hold of it anyway

ganked it while he was busy posting on his askblog

oh oh wait i just had the most brilliant idea

get this

how about we play disc golf

with the freedom frisbee

that is the best idea anyone has ever had

dammit stark

didn’t your mother ever teach you it was rude to take people’s stuff without asking?

borrowing

i borrowed it

anyway me and red scare are gonna drink some beers and go play disc golf in central park

with my shield

you got it

with a priceless historic artifact and iconic symbol of truth, justice, and the american way

pretty much

i’m in

i’ll get the pbr

he unholied the holy water

March 12, 2019 by Vivian Shaw

Welcome to The Littlest Winter Soldier, my ancient series of action-figure comics starring my desk and various unrelated objects. Bucky talks in italics, Steve in ordinary text, and Tony in bold, because Tony. Many more characters will show up along the way.